Once upon a time, we went to work out … and we just worked out.
“Wait. What? That’s crazy, man!”
No, seriously, that’s what we did. A workout was planned. People warmed up. They did the workout, they cooled down, and they went home. Honest. (If this was a documentary, right now we’d have a voice announcing “This period was known as the Golden Age of CrossFit” over a grainy film of three people in Keds with mismatched socks doing wall-ball and puking in a parking lot.)
But, back then, we just called it CrossFit and hardly anyone knew about it. We sweated and struggled and puked with the other weirdos in our town who were nuts enough to agree to do this new way of old stuff with us. It was OG fun.
Then the CrossFit Games Open was invented. A way for more of us to do all the workouts together and compete against each other around the globe! Whoot! We were super-pumped and we did the workouts. Fun!
The years went by and somewhere along the line, things changed a little bit, then a little bit more, and a little bit more. With money and prizes and competition level came something else: the emergence of the Fitness Diva.
“Oh wait. The Fitness Diva. I think I know what you’re talking about. Like that gal in the corner who’s been foam rolling for 90 minutes, preparing to do 17.3 for a third time?”
Exactly. Or the guy who cancels all other workouts because he has to “get ready” for the first time he does that week’s Open workout. You get what he’s aiming for, but you wonder if he’s lost a little perspective. Like maybe the point of working out was to work out?
Fitness Divas: when nice people go a little too far.
Most of them don’t mean to. They’re just athletes wrapped up in their workouts and driven to perform better. We can all understand that, right? We’ve all gotten a little lost on the road sometimes. Still, we kind of wonder when we hear Fitness Divas say things like:
- “Shhhh! Don’t talk to me. I’m visualizing my toes to bar!”
- “Can you move over? I can only do my bar muscle-ups at this exact spot on a Speal rig.”
- “Where’s my jump rope? OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY JUMP ROPE? WHAT IF CASTRO CALLS FOR SPONTANEOUS DOUBLE-UNDERS IN ANY WORKOUT HAPPENING RIGHT NOW?”
- “I can’t talk to you now. I have to eat my special power meal exactly 73 minutes before a workout, or 73 seconds after. Timing is critical to my final score.”
If you encounter one of the Fitness Divas, it’s okay. No need to say anything. But you might be wise to keep your hands in plain sight and make very small motions. Don’t go near the kettlebells, as that can provoke the Fitness Diva. Just walk normally and remember: the Fitness Divas are not bad people. They’re just a little caught up in their workout.
But you’re safe: Hour 3 of mobility work is just starting. You can hear them groaning near the rollers. (“Holy moly. I think I just dislocated my liver.” “Hey, does anyone have a scalpel so I can clear some cartilage from my knee before I do 17.398 again?”) Make a run for the parking lot. You’re safe … for now.